Exhale.

     I felt like I needed to make a quick post to say that my second day at my new job was much better than my first.  Sigh.  It was still crazy, but not bad.  Working an extra 2 hours later every day is definitely taking its toll.  I guess I was used to not using much energy at last job.  It feels strangely good to be exhausted.  Jeremiah had a brilliant idea to order pizza.  We are waiting for it now.  And I will enjoy every bite.  I look forward to making up for last night's lack of sleep this evening.  Good stuff.

Happiness.

"First day is hard."

     So, I started my new job yesterday.  Keep in mind, this is the job that got me out of my horrible job situation.  The job I thought came to me as a good sign out of the blue when I desperately needed a change.  The job that would turn my (almost daily) frown upside down.  By the time I got in my car a few minutes before six yesterday evening, I had a full-on breakdown.  I called my mom and bawled my eyes out all the way home.  I hate change.  I am a creature of habit.  I knew I would be stepping into something completely different.  The lack of organization made me insane!  Yes, I am aware that I am very "Type-A."  My day was non-stop.  It was like everyone was running around like chickens with their heads cut off.  On the positive side, the 9 hours I was there flew by.(Like a fighter jet from hell!)  I was hoping to maybe find a couple new friends out of the deal, but I found most people there less than friendly.  Maybe they were just feeling me out?  I don't know.  Anyway, it was a rough day.  I prayed for patience, strength and a positive attitude repeatedly last night.  I slept horrible.  When I heard the coffee come on this morning, I prayed for the same things again.  My mom told me to remember how blessed I am to have a job at a time when many people are out of work.  A friend said, "First day is hard."  I know these things.  I am going to do my very best to put my happy face on and make today better.  The way I see it, that is my only choice.

     I neglected to mention the one positive thing I found about yesterday.  Unfortunately, it isn't exactly positive as far as my on-going struggle with my eating disorder is concerned.  During my crazy busy, stressful day, I found I had no appetite.  It reminded me of how I used to eat one meal a day.  After being hungry for a while, your body stops feeling hungry.  I felt this for the first time in a long time yesterday.  And to be honest, I loved it.  It is that sense of control that I adore so very much.  I remember thinking to myself, "At least maybe I will get skinny again."  Even right now, that thought almost brings a smile to my face.  Right now, I will take any smile I can muster.  I hope my prayers worked.  Time to start day two.

    

A chill in the air and a smile on my face....

     It is finally starting to feel like the holidays.  And I am finally out of my bad mood.  It has been a busy two weeks.  Right now, with a fire crackling, the Christmas tree lit, Jozy running around with a jingle bell collar and cider bubbling on the stove, I am in a blissful state.  Thanksgiving has come an gone.  My mom and dad left a few hours ago after a weekend of shopping, painting, eating and an afternoon trip to the movies.  I just finished washing and hanging my crispy new scrubs for my new job Monday.  I am loving the fact that today is only Saturday so I have a full day left before my weekend comes to an end.  All and all, it has been a great few days.

     I can't say there haven't been a few rough moments here and there, but overall, I can't complain.  Thanksgiving lunch at my aunt and uncle's house was like a blur.  Although, for some reason, seeing my youngest cousin with her baby made me sad.  I got that  " I should be the one with the baby" feeling.  I was pretty bummed for a while after we left.  Stupid I know!  I suppose I have since gotten over it.  I do still have lingering baby fever though.

     I feel like the week ahead will bring positive things for me.  I cannot wait to start my new job!!  Next weekend I will be going with Jeremiah to his company Christmas party for the first time.  I'm sure most of his coworkers are convinced he doesn't have a wife.  Note to self:  Must buy new outfit. 

     I feel another fresh start coming on.  Hopefully it's not just a cold.  Happy Holidays.  :)

Seeing the light...

     I am up bright and early on this Tuesday morning with positivity surrounding me.  Thank the Lord!  I am happy to say that I accepted a job offer yesterday and put in my two weeks notice at my current hell hole of a job.  I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders!  Huge!  I knew that my current work situation was toxic, but I don't think I realized how toxic until I saw how uber excited I would be to get out of there.  Let's just say, taking a pay cut is definitely worth it.  I could jump up and down and sing right now.(Although, my coffee hasn't quite kicked in.)  I have a feeling this the beginning of my climb back out of the muddy hole I have let myself sink into.  Jeremiah isn't easily excited, but when I told him the news, he was overly thrilled.  This proves how unpleasant I have become.  Thankfully, he shouldn't have to deal with my horrible attitude much longer.

     In other positive news, I am counting down the days until Callie's visit this weekend.  I can hardly wait to catch up over wine and my "famous" Greek bread.  I only use the word famous because everyone who has ever tasted it acts as though it is the best thing they have ever put in their mouth.  I wish I has a piece of it now as a matter of fact.  Yummy!  Wow....I just got a little crazy about the bread.  :) 

     I suppose it is about time for me to get ready for work.  I don't even mind this morning now that I know my time there is coming to an end.  I love seeing the light at the end of the tunnel!!!

Happy Tuesday!

There must be something else I can clean....

     Despite the fact that I have been in a rather unhappy place, I have still been productive.  For some reason, when I am feeling down, I love to clean.  That has been the only thing I have been enthusiastic about this week.  I have been asked the same question repeatedly for days....  "Why are you so quiet?"  "Is something wrong?"  "Are you mad at me?"  "Are you in a bad mood?"  Okay...So the questions were different, but they all basically mean the same thing.  The truth is, I don't mean to be "quiet."  I don't know what is wrong.  I'm not angry at anyone.  And "bad mood" is not the most accurate phrase to describe how I am feeling.  I don't know what I am feeling and why.  All I do know is that whatever it is, I wish it would disappear so I can go back to being the happy version of myself.  I like that Jenn so much more.

     I am going to a wedding this afternoon.  Truth be told, I would just about rather do anything.  That sounds awful I know, but it is for a coworker that I barely know personally.  It is one of those "have to" kind-of things.  I like for Sundays to be relaxed.  The thought of putting on a dress, heels, and full makeup makes me less than thrilled.  I should be excited to dress up since I rarely do it these days, but I am definitely not.  This is a perfect reflection of my attitude lately.  I am so frustrated.  If only I could snap my fingers and perk right up.  Hopefully the coming week will bring positive thoughts my way.  My fingers are crossed.

Where am I going....? Where have I been....?

     I know it has been a while since my last post.  I didn't even look to see exactly how long it has been or what I was discussing at the time.  I have a sneaking suspicion that I know why I have neglected my blog lately.  My reason is pretty simple...  I am once again disappointed in myself.  I feel like I have been accomplishing nothing worthy.  I hate to start out on a negative note, but I suppose I have.  Maybe it is the change in season.  Chilly weather...  Losing all the color on my skin...  The thought of the upcoming holidays that make me think of weight gain...  I call this the "winter blahs."  And that describes how I feel...BLAH.  At some point I promise I will attempt to say something positive.  Snap out of it Jenn!!!  I have been in one of my funks where I rarely care to leave the house, engage in any sort of fun activity, or even clean the house.(Which I usually love.)  Every evening I find myself crawling into bed super early to watch a movie by myself.  I'm pretty sure Jeremiah is less than enthused about this.

    Ok....So I technically started this post yesterday.  I guess I lost steam.  Now I want to finish it.  Luckily, today I am in better spirits.  Three perfectly happy things have happened today;  I found out that next weekend my amazing friend Callie will be coming to visit, the weekend after, my parents will be coming to visit so mom can help me paint various areas of the house, and finally.... I have an interview tomorrow.(Super huge yippie skippie!!)  Today...life is good.  Not stressing, fretting, or anything of the such.  I am pleased to say I am leaving this entry with happy thoughts.  Tomorrow is Friday....LOVE it. :)

Confession...

     I can honestly say that I don't think my parents, or my family in general, worry about me having an eating disorder anymore.  Maybe I am naive.  Regardless, there is a reason for this.  I have convinced them all that I am fine.  We haven't talked about it in a long time, and we won't unless I start the conversation.  I like it that way.  I don't want everyone worrying about me and my health.  This afternoon I sent a text to my best friend.  We haven't talked in a few days.  Her response was unexpected.  It bummed me out.  She said, " I've honestly been having a hard time accepting the fact that you may never get over your eating disorder.  I have already had to endure my own dad destructing his body, resulting in death.  I can't watch my best friend  do the same thing.  I won't."

     Reading that message was like taking a bullet to my soul.  I responded by telling her I am doing a lot better, I know I have to be healthy to have a child, don't worry about me, I'll be fine, etc.  How selfish am I??!!!  How dare I pretend that what I do doesn't affect the people around me!  The whole thought makes me ill.

     Despite the fact that I didn't want to discuss it again, I talked about it with me husband.  He responded, "You do know you can't be doing that while your pregnant, right?"  Once again, proof that I am not as sly as I thought. 

     I actually wrote this blog on a notepad at work yesterday.  I didn't want to lose what I was feeling at the moment.  It has haunted me today.  Jen has never replied to the last text I sent.  Could I lose her if I continue to be Bulimic?  What other things could I lose?  Is it worth it?  Absolutely not. 

Gaining sight.

     It's funny how a day, an instant, a minute, or a glimpse can make you gain sight.  I figure we all have many of these "ah-ha" moments.  I had one this week.  It put things into perspective, reminded me of what I have and what I want.  Just a reminder.  I have been appreciating the smallest things the last few days.  At this very moment I am loving the way the breeze is coming through the open windows, the sound of the washer cleaning the first of many loads of laundry mixed with the squeak of Jozy's toy, smell of celery on my hands from dicing veggies for chicken salad.  All tiny things that I tend to fail to notice.  Despite the ever present smile on my face, I feel like sometimes I let myself forget how much good is all around me.  As this next week begins, I hope I remember to focus on the good more.  There is plenty of it to take in.


     Ok, off my soapbox.  It's Sunday afternoon.  I have spent my day mostly relaxing.  Jeremiah is busy working on another one of his projects.  I really am trying to get motivated to finish up house chores, but I am failing miserably.  I still have plenty of time. (Pause to put towels in the dryer.)  I found out on October 29th we will be attending an amazing Halloween party.  Coincidentally, the same party we met at one year ago to the day.  I have been trying to plan the perfect costume.  I believe it shall involve my wedding dress.  My hubbie loves the idea of ripping it to shreds and being a "zombie bride" or something like it.  I completely adore costume parties!  Any excuse to get made up and play another character, if only for an evening.  I can't wait!  Maybe I will post a photo. :) 

     Now I will return to my real-life character....  The wife that makes the house shiny and clean.  Here's to another week.

A day in the life...... Of me.

     When my alarm went off at 5:40 this morning, a few things crossed my mind.  "I need four more hours of sleep!"  "Damnit!  Jozy is already whining to get out of his crate!"  "I am NOT in the mood to go to work!"  And finally, "Awesome!  I am feeling slightly hungover."  I suppose the last thought I had pretty much summed up the others.   I can't say my hangover wasn't worth it.  I wasn't out late downing shots or drinking an entire bottle of wine.  Instead, I just got caught up in good conversation with a friend that convinced me to stay and have a few more beers.  No harm in that.

     Getting ready for work this morning was a bit of a struggle.  Showering, washing, drying, and flat ironing my hair were exhausting.(My hair only to be pulled into a low ponytail.)  I didn't even drink my coffee.  This might have been a critical mistake.  I did manage to leave the house early for once.  Driving made me like my morning even less.  I thought a diet coke would ease my pain, but no such luck.

    I expected today to be better than Monday since the doctor was out. (Of her mind)  My day was ok minus the headache that lingered and nausea that lurked.  I stayed busy until around lunch.  I went with a coworker to a place that was supposed to have great burgers.  They did.  I felt like I was going to explode when I left.  When we got back to the office I took a bathroom break to relieve myself of my lunch.  My afternoon was steady.  I was thrilled when I looked up and saw the clock reminding me I only had 15 minutes left. 

     I ran a couple of errands that took way longer than they should have.  I made it home right as Jeremiah was pulling up.  I was starving since I had thrown-up my lunch.  I made wild rice and steamed veggies while the hubbie grilled pork chops.  Dinner was awesome and healthy, which always makes me happy.  We both decided to just wash dishes and put the leftovers away.  Then do nothing for the evening.  Love this plan considering I still have a headache.  How is that even possible??!!  After that was done, Jeremiah went outside to work on another one of his projects and I finished cleaning and promptly purged my dinner.  I am pretty sure purging actually makes headaches worse, so apparently I enjoy torture.

     This brings me to right now.  I intended to post last night, but that sure didn't happen.  I am in a mellow, good mood.  I was told that I am "fascinating," which made me giggle since I don't ever remember being told I was fascinating.  I still considered it a compliment.  It made me start analyzing what I think would or could make me feel fascinating.  I'll get back to you on that. 

     I guess today was a good day.  I think I need a glass of Shiraz and an early bedtime.  This must be one of the most boring posts to date.  I guess a normal example of my day to day though.  Are you asleep yet reading this?   I am.  Sweet dreams.


    


    

Giving up high heels and makeup......

     Calm down!  Anyone who knows anything about me knows I will never willingly give up 5 inch heels or makeup.  I decided to give them up tonight though.  This week....  Dear Lord....  This week.  I feel like I have had my soul beaten by a rolling pin.  This is mostly due to the circus that is my job.  Other than that, I suppose I can't complain.  The circus is the reason that despite a dinner invite by my husband, I have opted to stay at home.  This evening has been nearly perfect so far.(Minus my dog being obnoxious as usual.... Why did I HAVE to get another dog again??!!!)  After briefly trying to nap on the couch, I gave up.  Instead I ran a huge bubble bath, turned on Adele on my Pandora, grabbed a glass of vino, and got my chillax on.   Hello!!!  If this doesn't sound amazing to anyone else, I would advise that they be evaluated by a qualified medical professional.  What made this vino bubble bath even better was the fact that I knew Jeremiah was on his way to pick up Italian food.  Yummy deliciousness!

     I am desperately battling to not bring work home with me.  Most of the time I am failing at this task.  When I think about my week, I can honestly say that I have mostly succeeded.  I feel like I got some quality friend/me/husband time in.  I got to visit my favorite hole in the wall bar a couple of times.  I adore conversing with people there.  I can talk to a certain ones for hours.  I love hearing other people's views on life.  And I am usually pretty open about my life to other people.  I guess I find that trait admirable.

     Do I ramble in all of my blog entries??  I apologize if I do.  Well, not really. :)  Tomorrow I am heading to Arkansas to visit the fam.  I am so looking forward to seeing everyone.  On top of that, I get some friend time, which is a bonus.  TGIF and all that jazz.

Satisfaction and Truth....

    Are we ever satisfied?  Aren't we always searching for more?  I would love to meet someone who can honestly say that they are totally, completely happy and satisfied with every aspect of their life.  I have a feeling that no one can profess to such a theory.   I suppose the goal is to get to the point in life where we are mostly satisfied and happy.  Anyone would be lying to say that they wouldn't change a thing.  Let's be real here.  I began thinking of this because, in this search for contentment, I feel like I may never know the answer.  Will I ever be satisfied with my life? 

     My answer is very clear.   NO!  Isn't our goal in life to be constantly striving to be more, do more?  I am ok with this concept.  I hope I never become complacent. 

     I hope there are always people who interest me.  Who make me intrigued via conversation.  Who I love to hear their version of life.  I love to hear people's view of food, politics, love, etc.   Some topics are heavy, some humorous, some eye-opening.  I hope I always want to travel.  I hope I always want to learn new things.

      I love that in my rambling, I have trailed from my original topic.  Note to self... 

"Do you look in the mirror and see a gorilla??"

     Yes, this is what my very best friend said to me on our way out a few nights ago.  She says I could look amazing and still find something wrong.  She is right.  She has this crazy ability to know when I am upset without even talking to me.  She knows what I'm thinking.  It is scary sometimes, but she is usually right.( One of the many reasons I love and adore her.)  I have neglected to journal or blog for far too long.  I was reminded this by another friend, who inspired me to search deeper.(Thanks Emma.)  What has been going on.....

     Jeremiah has been gone on business.  Business that could change our lives.  I am so proud of him for not just talking, but actually doing.  Work has been crazy as always.  Everyday something new and unpleasant.  This week I decided to visit a doctor to help me get out of my rut.  I hate to be a slave to medication, which I felt I was when I discontinued all my meds a few months ago.  I seemed to go downhill from then.  Lately I have had little motivation to leave the house, clean, or even get myself "prettied-up"  to go anywhere.  Not to mention that I haven't been sleeping much.  Jen informed me that I needed to do whatever it takes to get back to feeling like my normal self.  She was right.

     I scheduled an appointment with a new PCP to get another opinion.  I loved my new doctor.  He listened, was friendly, and quite attractive. :)  Bonus.  Giggle.  He decided to put me back on an anti-anxiety med.  Within a couple of days I noticed an improvement in myself.  At least for now, I will keep taking them. 

     A big task ahead is learning to really love me for who I am.  As well as learning to love the people around me more, for who they are.  As much as I loathe judgemental people, I can be judgemental to myself and others.  It has to stop.  More happiness please!  All around!  A little for everyone!  Positive note:  I haven't purged in several days.  Yaaaaay!   Smiles!!!! 

Absence makes the heart grow fonder....

     Everyone has heard the phrase.  It goes along with other cliche' phrases like, "You don't know what you've got till its gone."  I know what I have.  And every time I go home to Arkansas, I am reminded.  Yesterday we went to my parent's house for my birthday lunch.  Both sets of grandparents and my brother and his girlfriend came.  Dad grilled chicken and mom finished the spread with roasted veggies and smashed potatoes.  So yummy!  I must have eaten ten roasted Brussels sprouts before lunch began.  If you think you don't like Brussels sprouts, you should definitely try them again.(Roasted or blanched and then sauteed with a little olive oil, garlic, dried cranberries, and toasted pecans are my two favorite variations.)  I love family meals.  They always seem to make the food taste even better.  My sweet mom even attempted to make my favorite birthday cake(Coconut)  with Stevia to make it low calorie.  Just so you know, never do this!  Some things are worth the calories.  We all got a good laugh when I blew out my candles and also blew some of the icing off the cake.  Surprisingly, it was still tasty.

     After lunch I opened gifts and we all sat around in our food comas and chatted. Mom showed off her latest additions to the "grandchildren's book collection."  We watched part of "The Jerk" and laughed.  It is amazing how fast the time flies.  It seemed like no time before we were in the car on our way home.  I felt like an idiot as tears filled my eyes behind my aviators.  I text mom and thanked her again for everything and told her I was sad to be going back to OK already.  She reminded me that I have an awesome husband and everything will be fine.  You would think that the "missing home" thing would be gone after 9 months.  Especially since I am only and hour and a half away.   It is far from gone.  Not that I would want to give up what I have, but it is still so hard. 

     When we got home we unpacked the car and chilled on the couch watching a movie.  My mom's surprise gift to me was custom-made pillows for the couches in the living room.  As I laid on the couch I noticed something...  The pillows smelled like my parent's house.  I love that smell.  I couldn't help but get sad again.  I told my mom and she said, "I hope that smell is a good thing."  I told her it was because they smelled like home.  There is something about my mom.  She always says the right thing.  The next time I checked my phone she had sent me a text that said, "We love you so much and are so proud of you.  And no matter where you go, we will come to you."  My eyes filled with tears just typing it. 

     Maybe absence really does make the heart grow fonder even though, in this case, I didn't think it was possible.  There have been times when I took my amazing family for granted.  That will never happen again as long as I live.  Happy tears. 

     I'm off to continue my house-cleaning mission.  Happy Sunday. :)

The baby factor.....

    So I have had a certain goal/theory for a few years now.  The goal is that before I have a baby, or become pregnant for that matter, I will be healthy.  Healthy meaning.....  I will no longer be a practicing Bulimic.  The theory being, that when I become pregnant, I will have no choice, but to no longer be Bulimic.  When I say it out loud it sounds absurd.  Am I really considering continuing to be Bulimic until I become pregnant??!!!  I have always thought that for sure, when I am carrying I child inside my body, I will definitely be a psycho, crazy healthy mother-to-be.  Is that what it will take????  I am beginning to wonder. 

    No, I am NOT pregnant, nor I am trying to get pregnant.  But....at some point in the semi-near future, I would like to be.  The fact is, before my last husband became my "ex" husband, I planned on getting pregnant at age 26 with my first child.  My intention was to have had both of my planned children by the time I was 30.  I turn 29 in 3 days.  I have no children.  As you can see, this presents a problem.  First, I have failed to accomplish my "children before 30 goal."  Second, I am almost 30 and still am a very active member of the eating disorder club.  Yes, I too am sick of seeing numbers and how they add up.  Everything in my life seems to revolve around numbers.  Mostly these numbers include weight.  I have a love affair with my scale.  I have owned the same scale for years.  LOTS of years.  I know how my scale weighs me.  I know where my weight has been to the exact pound according to MY scale.  In fact, my scale has been used so much over the years, that the "non-slip" surface(As Jeremiah calls it.) is gone.  Despite this, I refuse to get a new one.  I weigh my at work, on a doctor-grade scale, at my parent's house, grandparent's house, or on any scale I seem to come across.  I can't help myself.  It's an addiction.  WOW!  I have just trailed off and gone all crazy about a scale?! 

     All of this being said, I have had a bad week.  I intended on something completely different.  My job has been beyond stressful.  I loathe the doctor I work for.  It has put me in a complete funk.  Needless to say, guess where I have ended up everyday so far..... 

     On a positive note, my birthday is coming up.  We are going to see the fam tomorrow, which makes me super excited.  Things will get better I know.  I just want them to get better faster.  A lot faster.  Here comes 29.... 

    

The reason I love Mondays....

    Does anyone really like Mondays?  I tend to begin loathing them on Sunday.  The one thing I do enjoy about this day of the week is that I have always liked "starting" things on a Monday.  It sounds silly I know, but my Type A brain just works that way.  So what am I starting today....?  I'm starting an all out brawl with my eating disorder.  I woke up this morning feeling well-rested and positive.  Yippie for positive vibes!!!! :)  I have a couple of goals this week. 

    First, I am determined to not only continue to change my food habits, but also my husband's.(For future reference, his name is Jeremiah.)  The fact is, it is a lot easier to eat the way I know I need to and have to right now, if I am not doing it alone.  Despite that some people may argue that it is about self control or "mind over matter"  as Jeremiah would say, it is more than that.  At this stage in my life/attempted recovery, I feel like I have to baby myself  by not even keeping certain foods in our house.  It is highly unlikely that I will binge on fresh veggies, fruit, lean protein, or almond milk.  Hence why the kitchen is full of these things.  I long for the day when I can actually eat "dangerous" foods and know that in moderation, I will not gain a pound.  Nor will I need to purge to avoid gaining.  I want to be able to eat normal.  Healthy the majority of the time, but normal.  I am also trying to instill Jeremiah with some better health habits.  Diabetes runs in his family, and I don't want him to end up injecting himself with insulin everyday.  The challenge is that like many men, he is a "meat and potatoes" guy.  The thought of a meal without a meat item is absurd to him.  God-willing, I will get him to try new things and enjoy food because it tastes good, even if some of the ingredients are on his "questionable" list.

     The second challenge for myself this week is to get my ass to the gym more.  Or for that matter, just be more active.  I feel I must inform the masses of something right now....  I am not one of those people who love working out.  There have been times when I did, but I think more than anything else during those times, I was just obsessed with burning calories, not the health benefits.  I do know that once I stick to a workout routine, I do feel better, and eventually I enjoy it. 

     So, with good vibes I begin my week.  I'm crossing my fingers, saying a prayer, and hoping this time is different.  Starting over....again.

Happy Monday! :)

Journal Entry 10-17-07

     I'm frantic.  I left the office at lunch today because *gasp* pizza was being brought in by a drug rep.  I ran a couple of errands, but for some reason I still ended up where I didn't need to be.  I go through the drive-thru line and order my lunch. (I always order 2 waters as if I am buying lunch for not just me, but a 2nd person as well.)  I eat my meal in the car on the way to my mom's house.  I get there, grab what I have left to eat, and walk to the front door.  Damn!  The glass door is locked.  I don't have a key.  I have told mom not to lock that door!  I gather my things and go back to my car to finish eating.

     Wait!!!  I need a new journal.  I've been meaning to buy one for 2 weeks.  Katie, my therapist, says I need to start journaling again as part of my road to recovery.  I start my car and drive down he road to Barnes and Noble.  It's windy outside today.  I am trying to keep my hair under control as I make my way inside.  I pass someone as I walk through the first set of doors.  I think to myself, " I look like a slob today.  My pants are baggy.  I didn't do anything to my hair."  I get inside and make a beeline for the back of the store.  Where are the restrooms??!!!  I am more frantic at the point as I search row after row of books.  Finally, I feel relief.

    To my delight, the stalls are all empty.  I wash my hands and go to the last stall.  While throwing up, I become my own cheerleader.  I am actually saying, " Come on Jenn.  You can get rid of just a little more."  Now I feel better.  I can look for the perfect journal to aid in my recovery.  All is well once again.


     I don't know what made me decide to post an old journal entry as my very first blog post.  I just find it so surreal to read it and imagine what my life was like at that time.  I feel like I am a lot different now.  Or am I just in a different city, a few years later?