The reason I love Mondays....

    Does anyone really like Mondays?  I tend to begin loathing them on Sunday.  The one thing I do enjoy about this day of the week is that I have always liked "starting" things on a Monday.  It sounds silly I know, but my Type A brain just works that way.  So what am I starting today....?  I'm starting an all out brawl with my eating disorder.  I woke up this morning feeling well-rested and positive.  Yippie for positive vibes!!!! :)  I have a couple of goals this week. 

    First, I am determined to not only continue to change my food habits, but also my husband's.(For future reference, his name is Jeremiah.)  The fact is, it is a lot easier to eat the way I know I need to and have to right now, if I am not doing it alone.  Despite that some people may argue that it is about self control or "mind over matter"  as Jeremiah would say, it is more than that.  At this stage in my life/attempted recovery, I feel like I have to baby myself  by not even keeping certain foods in our house.  It is highly unlikely that I will binge on fresh veggies, fruit, lean protein, or almond milk.  Hence why the kitchen is full of these things.  I long for the day when I can actually eat "dangerous" foods and know that in moderation, I will not gain a pound.  Nor will I need to purge to avoid gaining.  I want to be able to eat normal.  Healthy the majority of the time, but normal.  I am also trying to instill Jeremiah with some better health habits.  Diabetes runs in his family, and I don't want him to end up injecting himself with insulin everyday.  The challenge is that like many men, he is a "meat and potatoes" guy.  The thought of a meal without a meat item is absurd to him.  God-willing, I will get him to try new things and enjoy food because it tastes good, even if some of the ingredients are on his "questionable" list.

     The second challenge for myself this week is to get my ass to the gym more.  Or for that matter, just be more active.  I feel I must inform the masses of something right now....  I am not one of those people who love working out.  There have been times when I did, but I think more than anything else during those times, I was just obsessed with burning calories, not the health benefits.  I do know that once I stick to a workout routine, I do feel better, and eventually I enjoy it. 

     So, with good vibes I begin my week.  I'm crossing my fingers, saying a prayer, and hoping this time is different.  Starting over....again.

Happy Monday! :)

Journal Entry 10-17-07

     I'm frantic.  I left the office at lunch today because *gasp* pizza was being brought in by a drug rep.  I ran a couple of errands, but for some reason I still ended up where I didn't need to be.  I go through the drive-thru line and order my lunch. (I always order 2 waters as if I am buying lunch for not just me, but a 2nd person as well.)  I eat my meal in the car on the way to my mom's house.  I get there, grab what I have left to eat, and walk to the front door.  Damn!  The glass door is locked.  I don't have a key.  I have told mom not to lock that door!  I gather my things and go back to my car to finish eating.

     Wait!!!  I need a new journal.  I've been meaning to buy one for 2 weeks.  Katie, my therapist, says I need to start journaling again as part of my road to recovery.  I start my car and drive down he road to Barnes and Noble.  It's windy outside today.  I am trying to keep my hair under control as I make my way inside.  I pass someone as I walk through the first set of doors.  I think to myself, " I look like a slob today.  My pants are baggy.  I didn't do anything to my hair."  I get inside and make a beeline for the back of the store.  Where are the restrooms??!!!  I am more frantic at the point as I search row after row of books.  Finally, I feel relief.

    To my delight, the stalls are all empty.  I wash my hands and go to the last stall.  While throwing up, I become my own cheerleader.  I am actually saying, " Come on Jenn.  You can get rid of just a little more."  Now I feel better.  I can look for the perfect journal to aid in my recovery.  All is well once again.


     I don't know what made me decide to post an old journal entry as my very first blog post.  I just find it so surreal to read it and imagine what my life was like at that time.  I feel like I am a lot different now.  Or am I just in a different city, a few years later?