A day in the life...... Of me.

     When my alarm went off at 5:40 this morning, a few things crossed my mind.  "I need four more hours of sleep!"  "Damnit!  Jozy is already whining to get out of his crate!"  "I am NOT in the mood to go to work!"  And finally, "Awesome!  I am feeling slightly hungover."  I suppose the last thought I had pretty much summed up the others.   I can't say my hangover wasn't worth it.  I wasn't out late downing shots or drinking an entire bottle of wine.  Instead, I just got caught up in good conversation with a friend that convinced me to stay and have a few more beers.  No harm in that.

     Getting ready for work this morning was a bit of a struggle.  Showering, washing, drying, and flat ironing my hair were exhausting.(My hair only to be pulled into a low ponytail.)  I didn't even drink my coffee.  This might have been a critical mistake.  I did manage to leave the house early for once.  Driving made me like my morning even less.  I thought a diet coke would ease my pain, but no such luck.

    I expected today to be better than Monday since the doctor was out. (Of her mind)  My day was ok minus the headache that lingered and nausea that lurked.  I stayed busy until around lunch.  I went with a coworker to a place that was supposed to have great burgers.  They did.  I felt like I was going to explode when I left.  When we got back to the office I took a bathroom break to relieve myself of my lunch.  My afternoon was steady.  I was thrilled when I looked up and saw the clock reminding me I only had 15 minutes left. 

     I ran a couple of errands that took way longer than they should have.  I made it home right as Jeremiah was pulling up.  I was starving since I had thrown-up my lunch.  I made wild rice and steamed veggies while the hubbie grilled pork chops.  Dinner was awesome and healthy, which always makes me happy.  We both decided to just wash dishes and put the leftovers away.  Then do nothing for the evening.  Love this plan considering I still have a headache.  How is that even possible??!!  After that was done, Jeremiah went outside to work on another one of his projects and I finished cleaning and promptly purged my dinner.  I am pretty sure purging actually makes headaches worse, so apparently I enjoy torture.

     This brings me to right now.  I intended to post last night, but that sure didn't happen.  I am in a mellow, good mood.  I was told that I am "fascinating," which made me giggle since I don't ever remember being told I was fascinating.  I still considered it a compliment.  It made me start analyzing what I think would or could make me feel fascinating.  I'll get back to you on that. 

     I guess today was a good day.  I think I need a glass of Shiraz and an early bedtime.  This must be one of the most boring posts to date.  I guess a normal example of my day to day though.  Are you asleep yet reading this?   I am.  Sweet dreams.


    


    

Giving up high heels and makeup......

     Calm down!  Anyone who knows anything about me knows I will never willingly give up 5 inch heels or makeup.  I decided to give them up tonight though.  This week....  Dear Lord....  This week.  I feel like I have had my soul beaten by a rolling pin.  This is mostly due to the circus that is my job.  Other than that, I suppose I can't complain.  The circus is the reason that despite a dinner invite by my husband, I have opted to stay at home.  This evening has been nearly perfect so far.(Minus my dog being obnoxious as usual.... Why did I HAVE to get another dog again??!!!)  After briefly trying to nap on the couch, I gave up.  Instead I ran a huge bubble bath, turned on Adele on my Pandora, grabbed a glass of vino, and got my chillax on.   Hello!!!  If this doesn't sound amazing to anyone else, I would advise that they be evaluated by a qualified medical professional.  What made this vino bubble bath even better was the fact that I knew Jeremiah was on his way to pick up Italian food.  Yummy deliciousness!

     I am desperately battling to not bring work home with me.  Most of the time I am failing at this task.  When I think about my week, I can honestly say that I have mostly succeeded.  I feel like I got some quality friend/me/husband time in.  I got to visit my favorite hole in the wall bar a couple of times.  I adore conversing with people there.  I can talk to a certain ones for hours.  I love hearing other people's views on life.  And I am usually pretty open about my life to other people.  I guess I find that trait admirable.

     Do I ramble in all of my blog entries??  I apologize if I do.  Well, not really. :)  Tomorrow I am heading to Arkansas to visit the fam.  I am so looking forward to seeing everyone.  On top of that, I get some friend time, which is a bonus.  TGIF and all that jazz.

Satisfaction and Truth....

    Are we ever satisfied?  Aren't we always searching for more?  I would love to meet someone who can honestly say that they are totally, completely happy and satisfied with every aspect of their life.  I have a feeling that no one can profess to such a theory.   I suppose the goal is to get to the point in life where we are mostly satisfied and happy.  Anyone would be lying to say that they wouldn't change a thing.  Let's be real here.  I began thinking of this because, in this search for contentment, I feel like I may never know the answer.  Will I ever be satisfied with my life? 

     My answer is very clear.   NO!  Isn't our goal in life to be constantly striving to be more, do more?  I am ok with this concept.  I hope I never become complacent. 

     I hope there are always people who interest me.  Who make me intrigued via conversation.  Who I love to hear their version of life.  I love to hear people's view of food, politics, love, etc.   Some topics are heavy, some humorous, some eye-opening.  I hope I always want to travel.  I hope I always want to learn new things.

      I love that in my rambling, I have trailed from my original topic.  Note to self... 

"Do you look in the mirror and see a gorilla??"

     Yes, this is what my very best friend said to me on our way out a few nights ago.  She says I could look amazing and still find something wrong.  She is right.  She has this crazy ability to know when I am upset without even talking to me.  She knows what I'm thinking.  It is scary sometimes, but she is usually right.( One of the many reasons I love and adore her.)  I have neglected to journal or blog for far too long.  I was reminded this by another friend, who inspired me to search deeper.(Thanks Emma.)  What has been going on.....

     Jeremiah has been gone on business.  Business that could change our lives.  I am so proud of him for not just talking, but actually doing.  Work has been crazy as always.  Everyday something new and unpleasant.  This week I decided to visit a doctor to help me get out of my rut.  I hate to be a slave to medication, which I felt I was when I discontinued all my meds a few months ago.  I seemed to go downhill from then.  Lately I have had little motivation to leave the house, clean, or even get myself "prettied-up"  to go anywhere.  Not to mention that I haven't been sleeping much.  Jen informed me that I needed to do whatever it takes to get back to feeling like my normal self.  She was right.

     I scheduled an appointment with a new PCP to get another opinion.  I loved my new doctor.  He listened, was friendly, and quite attractive. :)  Bonus.  Giggle.  He decided to put me back on an anti-anxiety med.  Within a couple of days I noticed an improvement in myself.  At least for now, I will keep taking them. 

     A big task ahead is learning to really love me for who I am.  As well as learning to love the people around me more, for who they are.  As much as I loathe judgemental people, I can be judgemental to myself and others.  It has to stop.  More happiness please!  All around!  A little for everyone!  Positive note:  I haven't purged in several days.  Yaaaaay!   Smiles!!!! 

Absence makes the heart grow fonder....

     Everyone has heard the phrase.  It goes along with other cliche' phrases like, "You don't know what you've got till its gone."  I know what I have.  And every time I go home to Arkansas, I am reminded.  Yesterday we went to my parent's house for my birthday lunch.  Both sets of grandparents and my brother and his girlfriend came.  Dad grilled chicken and mom finished the spread with roasted veggies and smashed potatoes.  So yummy!  I must have eaten ten roasted Brussels sprouts before lunch began.  If you think you don't like Brussels sprouts, you should definitely try them again.(Roasted or blanched and then sauteed with a little olive oil, garlic, dried cranberries, and toasted pecans are my two favorite variations.)  I love family meals.  They always seem to make the food taste even better.  My sweet mom even attempted to make my favorite birthday cake(Coconut)  with Stevia to make it low calorie.  Just so you know, never do this!  Some things are worth the calories.  We all got a good laugh when I blew out my candles and also blew some of the icing off the cake.  Surprisingly, it was still tasty.

     After lunch I opened gifts and we all sat around in our food comas and chatted. Mom showed off her latest additions to the "grandchildren's book collection."  We watched part of "The Jerk" and laughed.  It is amazing how fast the time flies.  It seemed like no time before we were in the car on our way home.  I felt like an idiot as tears filled my eyes behind my aviators.  I text mom and thanked her again for everything and told her I was sad to be going back to OK already.  She reminded me that I have an awesome husband and everything will be fine.  You would think that the "missing home" thing would be gone after 9 months.  Especially since I am only and hour and a half away.   It is far from gone.  Not that I would want to give up what I have, but it is still so hard. 

     When we got home we unpacked the car and chilled on the couch watching a movie.  My mom's surprise gift to me was custom-made pillows for the couches in the living room.  As I laid on the couch I noticed something...  The pillows smelled like my parent's house.  I love that smell.  I couldn't help but get sad again.  I told my mom and she said, "I hope that smell is a good thing."  I told her it was because they smelled like home.  There is something about my mom.  She always says the right thing.  The next time I checked my phone she had sent me a text that said, "We love you so much and are so proud of you.  And no matter where you go, we will come to you."  My eyes filled with tears just typing it. 

     Maybe absence really does make the heart grow fonder even though, in this case, I didn't think it was possible.  There have been times when I took my amazing family for granted.  That will never happen again as long as I live.  Happy tears. 

     I'm off to continue my house-cleaning mission.  Happy Sunday. :)

The baby factor.....

    So I have had a certain goal/theory for a few years now.  The goal is that before I have a baby, or become pregnant for that matter, I will be healthy.  Healthy meaning.....  I will no longer be a practicing Bulimic.  The theory being, that when I become pregnant, I will have no choice, but to no longer be Bulimic.  When I say it out loud it sounds absurd.  Am I really considering continuing to be Bulimic until I become pregnant??!!!  I have always thought that for sure, when I am carrying I child inside my body, I will definitely be a psycho, crazy healthy mother-to-be.  Is that what it will take????  I am beginning to wonder. 

    No, I am NOT pregnant, nor I am trying to get pregnant.  But....at some point in the semi-near future, I would like to be.  The fact is, before my last husband became my "ex" husband, I planned on getting pregnant at age 26 with my first child.  My intention was to have had both of my planned children by the time I was 30.  I turn 29 in 3 days.  I have no children.  As you can see, this presents a problem.  First, I have failed to accomplish my "children before 30 goal."  Second, I am almost 30 and still am a very active member of the eating disorder club.  Yes, I too am sick of seeing numbers and how they add up.  Everything in my life seems to revolve around numbers.  Mostly these numbers include weight.  I have a love affair with my scale.  I have owned the same scale for years.  LOTS of years.  I know how my scale weighs me.  I know where my weight has been to the exact pound according to MY scale.  In fact, my scale has been used so much over the years, that the "non-slip" surface(As Jeremiah calls it.) is gone.  Despite this, I refuse to get a new one.  I weigh my at work, on a doctor-grade scale, at my parent's house, grandparent's house, or on any scale I seem to come across.  I can't help myself.  It's an addiction.  WOW!  I have just trailed off and gone all crazy about a scale?! 

     All of this being said, I have had a bad week.  I intended on something completely different.  My job has been beyond stressful.  I loathe the doctor I work for.  It has put me in a complete funk.  Needless to say, guess where I have ended up everyday so far..... 

     On a positive note, my birthday is coming up.  We are going to see the fam tomorrow, which makes me super excited.  Things will get better I know.  I just want them to get better faster.  A lot faster.  Here comes 29....