Exhale.

     I felt like I needed to make a quick post to say that my second day at my new job was much better than my first.  Sigh.  It was still crazy, but not bad.  Working an extra 2 hours later every day is definitely taking its toll.  I guess I was used to not using much energy at last job.  It feels strangely good to be exhausted.  Jeremiah had a brilliant idea to order pizza.  We are waiting for it now.  And I will enjoy every bite.  I look forward to making up for last night's lack of sleep this evening.  Good stuff.

Happiness.

"First day is hard."

     So, I started my new job yesterday.  Keep in mind, this is the job that got me out of my horrible job situation.  The job I thought came to me as a good sign out of the blue when I desperately needed a change.  The job that would turn my (almost daily) frown upside down.  By the time I got in my car a few minutes before six yesterday evening, I had a full-on breakdown.  I called my mom and bawled my eyes out all the way home.  I hate change.  I am a creature of habit.  I knew I would be stepping into something completely different.  The lack of organization made me insane!  Yes, I am aware that I am very "Type-A."  My day was non-stop.  It was like everyone was running around like chickens with their heads cut off.  On the positive side, the 9 hours I was there flew by.(Like a fighter jet from hell!)  I was hoping to maybe find a couple new friends out of the deal, but I found most people there less than friendly.  Maybe they were just feeling me out?  I don't know.  Anyway, it was a rough day.  I prayed for patience, strength and a positive attitude repeatedly last night.  I slept horrible.  When I heard the coffee come on this morning, I prayed for the same things again.  My mom told me to remember how blessed I am to have a job at a time when many people are out of work.  A friend said, "First day is hard."  I know these things.  I am going to do my very best to put my happy face on and make today better.  The way I see it, that is my only choice.

     I neglected to mention the one positive thing I found about yesterday.  Unfortunately, it isn't exactly positive as far as my on-going struggle with my eating disorder is concerned.  During my crazy busy, stressful day, I found I had no appetite.  It reminded me of how I used to eat one meal a day.  After being hungry for a while, your body stops feeling hungry.  I felt this for the first time in a long time yesterday.  And to be honest, I loved it.  It is that sense of control that I adore so very much.  I remember thinking to myself, "At least maybe I will get skinny again."  Even right now, that thought almost brings a smile to my face.  Right now, I will take any smile I can muster.  I hope my prayers worked.  Time to start day two.

    

A chill in the air and a smile on my face....

     It is finally starting to feel like the holidays.  And I am finally out of my bad mood.  It has been a busy two weeks.  Right now, with a fire crackling, the Christmas tree lit, Jozy running around with a jingle bell collar and cider bubbling on the stove, I am in a blissful state.  Thanksgiving has come an gone.  My mom and dad left a few hours ago after a weekend of shopping, painting, eating and an afternoon trip to the movies.  I just finished washing and hanging my crispy new scrubs for my new job Monday.  I am loving the fact that today is only Saturday so I have a full day left before my weekend comes to an end.  All and all, it has been a great few days.

     I can't say there haven't been a few rough moments here and there, but overall, I can't complain.  Thanksgiving lunch at my aunt and uncle's house was like a blur.  Although, for some reason, seeing my youngest cousin with her baby made me sad.  I got that  " I should be the one with the baby" feeling.  I was pretty bummed for a while after we left.  Stupid I know!  I suppose I have since gotten over it.  I do still have lingering baby fever though.

     I feel like the week ahead will bring positive things for me.  I cannot wait to start my new job!!  Next weekend I will be going with Jeremiah to his company Christmas party for the first time.  I'm sure most of his coworkers are convinced he doesn't have a wife.  Note to self:  Must buy new outfit. 

     I feel another fresh start coming on.  Hopefully it's not just a cold.  Happy Holidays.  :)

Seeing the light...

     I am up bright and early on this Tuesday morning with positivity surrounding me.  Thank the Lord!  I am happy to say that I accepted a job offer yesterday and put in my two weeks notice at my current hell hole of a job.  I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders!  Huge!  I knew that my current work situation was toxic, but I don't think I realized how toxic until I saw how uber excited I would be to get out of there.  Let's just say, taking a pay cut is definitely worth it.  I could jump up and down and sing right now.(Although, my coffee hasn't quite kicked in.)  I have a feeling this the beginning of my climb back out of the muddy hole I have let myself sink into.  Jeremiah isn't easily excited, but when I told him the news, he was overly thrilled.  This proves how unpleasant I have become.  Thankfully, he shouldn't have to deal with my horrible attitude much longer.

     In other positive news, I am counting down the days until Callie's visit this weekend.  I can hardly wait to catch up over wine and my "famous" Greek bread.  I only use the word famous because everyone who has ever tasted it acts as though it is the best thing they have ever put in their mouth.  I wish I has a piece of it now as a matter of fact.  Yummy!  Wow....I just got a little crazy about the bread.  :) 

     I suppose it is about time for me to get ready for work.  I don't even mind this morning now that I know my time there is coming to an end.  I love seeing the light at the end of the tunnel!!!

Happy Tuesday!

There must be something else I can clean....

     Despite the fact that I have been in a rather unhappy place, I have still been productive.  For some reason, when I am feeling down, I love to clean.  That has been the only thing I have been enthusiastic about this week.  I have been asked the same question repeatedly for days....  "Why are you so quiet?"  "Is something wrong?"  "Are you mad at me?"  "Are you in a bad mood?"  Okay...So the questions were different, but they all basically mean the same thing.  The truth is, I don't mean to be "quiet."  I don't know what is wrong.  I'm not angry at anyone.  And "bad mood" is not the most accurate phrase to describe how I am feeling.  I don't know what I am feeling and why.  All I do know is that whatever it is, I wish it would disappear so I can go back to being the happy version of myself.  I like that Jenn so much more.

     I am going to a wedding this afternoon.  Truth be told, I would just about rather do anything.  That sounds awful I know, but it is for a coworker that I barely know personally.  It is one of those "have to" kind-of things.  I like for Sundays to be relaxed.  The thought of putting on a dress, heels, and full makeup makes me less than thrilled.  I should be excited to dress up since I rarely do it these days, but I am definitely not.  This is a perfect reflection of my attitude lately.  I am so frustrated.  If only I could snap my fingers and perk right up.  Hopefully the coming week will bring positive thoughts my way.  My fingers are crossed.

Where am I going....? Where have I been....?

     I know it has been a while since my last post.  I didn't even look to see exactly how long it has been or what I was discussing at the time.  I have a sneaking suspicion that I know why I have neglected my blog lately.  My reason is pretty simple...  I am once again disappointed in myself.  I feel like I have been accomplishing nothing worthy.  I hate to start out on a negative note, but I suppose I have.  Maybe it is the change in season.  Chilly weather...  Losing all the color on my skin...  The thought of the upcoming holidays that make me think of weight gain...  I call this the "winter blahs."  And that describes how I feel...BLAH.  At some point I promise I will attempt to say something positive.  Snap out of it Jenn!!!  I have been in one of my funks where I rarely care to leave the house, engage in any sort of fun activity, or even clean the house.(Which I usually love.)  Every evening I find myself crawling into bed super early to watch a movie by myself.  I'm pretty sure Jeremiah is less than enthused about this.

    Ok....So I technically started this post yesterday.  I guess I lost steam.  Now I want to finish it.  Luckily, today I am in better spirits.  Three perfectly happy things have happened today;  I found out that next weekend my amazing friend Callie will be coming to visit, the weekend after, my parents will be coming to visit so mom can help me paint various areas of the house, and finally.... I have an interview tomorrow.(Super huge yippie skippie!!)  Today...life is good.  Not stressing, fretting, or anything of the such.  I am pleased to say I am leaving this entry with happy thoughts.  Tomorrow is Friday....LOVE it. :)

Confession...

     I can honestly say that I don't think my parents, or my family in general, worry about me having an eating disorder anymore.  Maybe I am naive.  Regardless, there is a reason for this.  I have convinced them all that I am fine.  We haven't talked about it in a long time, and we won't unless I start the conversation.  I like it that way.  I don't want everyone worrying about me and my health.  This afternoon I sent a text to my best friend.  We haven't talked in a few days.  Her response was unexpected.  It bummed me out.  She said, " I've honestly been having a hard time accepting the fact that you may never get over your eating disorder.  I have already had to endure my own dad destructing his body, resulting in death.  I can't watch my best friend  do the same thing.  I won't."

     Reading that message was like taking a bullet to my soul.  I responded by telling her I am doing a lot better, I know I have to be healthy to have a child, don't worry about me, I'll be fine, etc.  How selfish am I??!!!  How dare I pretend that what I do doesn't affect the people around me!  The whole thought makes me ill.

     Despite the fact that I didn't want to discuss it again, I talked about it with me husband.  He responded, "You do know you can't be doing that while your pregnant, right?"  Once again, proof that I am not as sly as I thought. 

     I actually wrote this blog on a notepad at work yesterday.  I didn't want to lose what I was feeling at the moment.  It has haunted me today.  Jen has never replied to the last text I sent.  Could I lose her if I continue to be Bulimic?  What other things could I lose?  Is it worth it?  Absolutely not.