Confession...

     I can honestly say that I don't think my parents, or my family in general, worry about me having an eating disorder anymore.  Maybe I am naive.  Regardless, there is a reason for this.  I have convinced them all that I am fine.  We haven't talked about it in a long time, and we won't unless I start the conversation.  I like it that way.  I don't want everyone worrying about me and my health.  This afternoon I sent a text to my best friend.  We haven't talked in a few days.  Her response was unexpected.  It bummed me out.  She said, " I've honestly been having a hard time accepting the fact that you may never get over your eating disorder.  I have already had to endure my own dad destructing his body, resulting in death.  I can't watch my best friend  do the same thing.  I won't."

     Reading that message was like taking a bullet to my soul.  I responded by telling her I am doing a lot better, I know I have to be healthy to have a child, don't worry about me, I'll be fine, etc.  How selfish am I??!!!  How dare I pretend that what I do doesn't affect the people around me!  The whole thought makes me ill.

     Despite the fact that I didn't want to discuss it again, I talked about it with me husband.  He responded, "You do know you can't be doing that while your pregnant, right?"  Once again, proof that I am not as sly as I thought. 

     I actually wrote this blog on a notepad at work yesterday.  I didn't want to lose what I was feeling at the moment.  It has haunted me today.  Jen has never replied to the last text I sent.  Could I lose her if I continue to be Bulimic?  What other things could I lose?  Is it worth it?  Absolutely not. 

Gaining sight.

     It's funny how a day, an instant, a minute, or a glimpse can make you gain sight.  I figure we all have many of these "ah-ha" moments.  I had one this week.  It put things into perspective, reminded me of what I have and what I want.  Just a reminder.  I have been appreciating the smallest things the last few days.  At this very moment I am loving the way the breeze is coming through the open windows, the sound of the washer cleaning the first of many loads of laundry mixed with the squeak of Jozy's toy, smell of celery on my hands from dicing veggies for chicken salad.  All tiny things that I tend to fail to notice.  Despite the ever present smile on my face, I feel like sometimes I let myself forget how much good is all around me.  As this next week begins, I hope I remember to focus on the good more.  There is plenty of it to take in.


     Ok, off my soapbox.  It's Sunday afternoon.  I have spent my day mostly relaxing.  Jeremiah is busy working on another one of his projects.  I really am trying to get motivated to finish up house chores, but I am failing miserably.  I still have plenty of time. (Pause to put towels in the dryer.)  I found out on October 29th we will be attending an amazing Halloween party.  Coincidentally, the same party we met at one year ago to the day.  I have been trying to plan the perfect costume.  I believe it shall involve my wedding dress.  My hubbie loves the idea of ripping it to shreds and being a "zombie bride" or something like it.  I completely adore costume parties!  Any excuse to get made up and play another character, if only for an evening.  I can't wait!  Maybe I will post a photo. :) 

     Now I will return to my real-life character....  The wife that makes the house shiny and clean.  Here's to another week.