Confession...

     I can honestly say that I don't think my parents, or my family in general, worry about me having an eating disorder anymore.  Maybe I am naive.  Regardless, there is a reason for this.  I have convinced them all that I am fine.  We haven't talked about it in a long time, and we won't unless I start the conversation.  I like it that way.  I don't want everyone worrying about me and my health.  This afternoon I sent a text to my best friend.  We haven't talked in a few days.  Her response was unexpected.  It bummed me out.  She said, " I've honestly been having a hard time accepting the fact that you may never get over your eating disorder.  I have already had to endure my own dad destructing his body, resulting in death.  I can't watch my best friend  do the same thing.  I won't."

     Reading that message was like taking a bullet to my soul.  I responded by telling her I am doing a lot better, I know I have to be healthy to have a child, don't worry about me, I'll be fine, etc.  How selfish am I??!!!  How dare I pretend that what I do doesn't affect the people around me!  The whole thought makes me ill.

     Despite the fact that I didn't want to discuss it again, I talked about it with me husband.  He responded, "You do know you can't be doing that while your pregnant, right?"  Once again, proof that I am not as sly as I thought. 

     I actually wrote this blog on a notepad at work yesterday.  I didn't want to lose what I was feeling at the moment.  It has haunted me today.  Jen has never replied to the last text I sent.  Could I lose her if I continue to be Bulimic?  What other things could I lose?  Is it worth it?  Absolutely not.