So I have had a certain goal/theory for a few years now. The goal is that before I have a baby, or become pregnant for that matter, I will be healthy. Healthy meaning..... I will no longer be a practicing Bulimic. The theory being, that when I become pregnant, I will have no choice, but to no longer be Bulimic. When I say it out loud it sounds absurd. Am I really considering continuing to be Bulimic until I become pregnant??!!! I have always thought that for sure, when I am carrying I child inside my body, I will definitely be a psycho, crazy healthy mother-to-be. Is that what it will take???? I am beginning to wonder.
No, I am NOT pregnant, nor I am trying to get pregnant. But....at some point in the semi-near future, I would like to be. The fact is, before my last husband became my "ex" husband, I planned on getting pregnant at age 26 with my first child. My intention was to have had both of my planned children by the time I was 30. I turn 29 in 3 days. I have no children. As you can see, this presents a problem. First, I have failed to accomplish my "children before 30 goal." Second, I am almost 30 and still am a very active member of the eating disorder club. Yes, I too am sick of seeing numbers and how they add up. Everything in my life seems to revolve around numbers. Mostly these numbers include weight. I have a love affair with my scale. I have owned the same scale for years. LOTS of years. I know how my scale weighs me. I know where my weight has been to the exact pound according to MY scale. In fact, my scale has been used so much over the years, that the "non-slip" surface(As Jeremiah calls it.) is gone. Despite this, I refuse to get a new one. I weigh my at work, on a doctor-grade scale, at my parent's house, grandparent's house, or on any scale I seem to come across. I can't help myself. It's an addiction. WOW! I have just trailed off and gone all crazy about a scale?!
All of this being said, I have had a bad week. I intended on something completely different. My job has been beyond stressful. I loathe the doctor I work for. It has put me in a complete funk. Needless to say, guess where I have ended up everyday so far.....
On a positive note, my birthday is coming up. We are going to see the fam tomorrow, which makes me super excited. Things will get better I know. I just want them to get better faster. A lot faster. Here comes 29....
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